Shane started a blog, and I have been meaning to do this - so here I am. Part of me likes the idea of just telling what is on my mind without a lot of editing - the other part of me thinks no one needs to read my every thought. So I can threaten it, but I would never do it. Some things really do need to be just between me and God - but some of the rest - you can read on these pages.
My favorite time of the year is coming up - New Year's!!! I love a new year - a fresh start. I don't really do "resolutions" anymore, but I do take the time to look at my life and see what I need to do to get back on course or even on a better course.
When I was in Guantanamo Bay Cuba (on deployment) I lived with a girl who put change in greens (or was it peas) and made us eat it. She believed whatever you did on New Year's Day you would be doing all year. So she hid money for us to find believing it would help us find money all year. She tells me this after laughing at me for doing laundry. I didn't know what was wrong with doing laundry - I wanted clean clothes all year and since the Army wasn't giving me a maid I figured I would be washing clothes all year - lol. But I will admit that I was excited about her theory on some level because I wrote the words to a song before I even got out of bed that day. The first and so far the last complete song I have ever written (I so need to find that and see if someone can put music to it for me).
Since then I have tried to do things on New Year's that I wanted to do all year - spend time with family, spend time with friends, do something creative, write, sing, etc. It's not that I'm superstitious, but I do think it is a fun and productive way to spend the holiday. We accomplish what we focus on.
I currently do not have concrete plans for New Year's - but I need to figure out something different. I know what I want to do for the next year - it will be the biggest challenge I have ever faced. I want to live this year with my heart and mind wide open without being afraid.
I have always been overly cautious and careful, and since I have started dealing with health issues it has gotten even worse! It's funny too, because there are a lot of people who won't believe I do that. Sometimes I do a good job of playing carefree, and I tease and joke so much just so people won't have a clue how seriously I am taking things.
I can't believe that I am ready to let go of that. I have gotten out of my comfort zone more this past year in the area of relationships than I have in a long time (possibly ever). It didn't work out well at all. At different points during the year I thought it was going well - I certainly had new experiences. I had some neat friendships that I haven't had anything like since I was a kid in school. While it lasted - it was fun. But at the end of the year two friends will have moved physically and the other friend may still technically be here but she's as far away as if she moved to Alaska.
So if the year has ended on such of a rotten note, why would I be ready to let go even more and take even more risks? Because I learned the most incredible lesson this year - I will never be able to trust people and that's okay, but I can trust God to work in my relationships to bring the plan He has not only for me but also those I love.
As long as we have breath we are going to hurt each other and let each other down. And as much as it breaks my heart to say this I believe Christian people experience this even more than the general population. Is it because we expect more from each other or just because satan has so much to gain by us destroying each other? I don't know that answer, but the fact is that some of the most unhealthy and hurtful relationships happen in the church or in a relationship that started there.
I have struggled to go to church this year. A situation happened that really challenged me (not my faith but trusting relationships), and at one point it was too difficult to even go to church. Should it have been that big of deal - probably not. But the fact is that it was. When I finally quit fighting it and realized that a break from church would help my faith and not harm it, God resolved the situation in the most amazing way (still not the way I would have chosen but still in a way that only He could do).
I am bad (or good depending on how you look at it) at over analyzing everything that happens to figure out the real purpose or deeper meaning. I had one relationship in particular that had just caused me so much frustration. When we were hanging out and having fun, it was like the kind of best friend you had in grade school; but when we were disagreeing or not connecting it was awful. And because of my trust issues and want things "safe" I reached a point that I wondered why God even put us in each other's lives. It was obvious it was a mistake.
Well God had the last laugh! We shared one of the most incredible God moments that I have ever had (and let me just go on record as saying I have had some awesome ones!). I would try to explain what happened, but I couldn't put it in words if I had too and it is too personal. But let's just say my friend needed someone to speak God's truth into her life in the midst of an awful situation (much of it her own making). The fact that our relationship had been both so close but so troubling made me the perfect person to remind her of God's love, God's power and God's forgiveness. And in case you think I am bragging - I am so not. I couldn't have done any of it without God speaking through me and while I pray my friend was blessed I can tell you that it was the most incredible experience for me. I wish I could explain it, but you'll just have to take my word for it on how awesome it was - I think I could have seen the blind man see, the lame man walk and the dead man come to life and not been any more in awe. It was just that cool.
Once we had this experience every second we had spent together made sense. And I have to tell you that there is no aggravation, no hurt feeling or frustration that was so bad that it outweighed the awesome moment. It was so worth it. The only thing that could have made it better was if I could look back and not realize that I had wasted so much time worrying about what I didn't know or what didn't feel good.
And I need to clarify something else - this year was really rough on me in regards to a few close friendships, but generally speaking it is the most incredible year I have ever had as far as relationships go. Facebook has allowed me to get back in touch with and get to know some incredible people. One friend from AIT (Advanced Individual Training) from almost 20 years ago found me just to tell me how much I meant to her and encouraged her through that time. Another really close friend that I lost contact with about eight years ago found me and we are back on track on being involved in each other's lives. I got to find a girl from church camp (like almost 25 years ago) who meant the world to me and brightened a really tough time for me both at church camp and after with sweet letters. I went to my 20 year reunion (that was so much more than I can explain in this already long blog). I am back in touch with family that I have never been good at keeping in touch with (the whole write a letter, put a stamp on it and mail it has never been something I was good at). And a friend and I who quit talking/emailing because we thought the other was uninterested learned how silly that was. I am so thankful for each and ever person who is active in my life right now - it has been such a blessing to watch all the different parts of my life come back together.
It has been an incredible year. There has been the good, the bad and the ugly but when it is all said and done I can see that God has a plan that connects us in ways we can never fully understand.
I have to have boundaries and not let people take advantage of me. I need priorities so I make sure that I make the first things first. There are lessons to learn (and for whatever reason it seems it takes painful situations to learn those lessons). And most of all I have to make sure that my relationship with God gets first priority (take care of the vertical relationship first and the horizontal ones will improve as a result).
But after all that is done I just want to know that I am loving who will be loved, encouraging who will be encouraged, investing in the relationships that want an investment, having fun with all who know how, learning lessons with all who are teachable and not ever holding back because I can't control a situation or I am afraid I will be hurt.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment