The blogger police (AKA Shane) informed me I haven't blogged in five days. I will trust his math - lol. I don't want to add up the days.
I am sick. The annoying feel awful, want to whine constantly kind of sick. Tuesday night I told my friend I wished someone would just shoot me - the bad part is I wasn't kidding. I've never heard of anyone drowning on their own mucus, but I have wondered if I would be the first. I have wondered exactly how much mucus can one person make (sorry for being gross, but . . .). Apparently it is a lot.
I have a friend whose Mom is dying from cancer unless a miracle happens and another friend whose nephew who has been in the hospital for over a year fighting cancer - the fight is not going so well right now. I feel guilty complaining about a cold/sinus illness when people I know of are fighting for their lives. I tried to make myself feel better by reminding myself how much worse it can be. It didn't work.
There is a fact in life. While sometimes looking at others can help us correct our perspective, knowing that other people have problems worse than ours doesn't make ours go away.
That's my deep thought for the day. I need to take some more medicine and escape to some needed rest.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
From "Precious" to Bethlehem
Shane and I went to see the movie "Precious." I have been waiting to see this movie since way before it came out. I was counting on a touchy, feely emotional movie, but that isn't what I got. The language, violence and heartbreak in that movie was so overpowering I sat through the entire movie in shock.
The way the mother in the movie could start a sentence with Precious and then go into some of the most vile verbal and physical attacks stunned me. I wanted to ask her if she had any idea what Precious meant. If you name your child Precious didn't you think she was precious? Not that it would have been any more okay if she had been calling her daughter by any other name, because your child's name should be precious to you regardless of what it is. But the contrast between what that word means and how that mother acted was one of the most horrific things I have seen.
For those that haven't seen the movie I will try not to ruin it for you too much (lol), but I had heard that there were some complaints about the ending. Another friend shared that based on her experience in dealing with inner city teenagers that the ending was realistic. I read this before watching the movie so I waited through the whole thing to see this ending I had heard so much about. It wasn't a fairy tale, everything is going to be okay ending, but it was very empowering from my perspective.
Later the same day that I saw this movie I went with a friend to "Bethlehem Revisited", a live, re-enactment of Bethlehem on the night Jesus was born. It was cold and crowded so I didn't have a super enlightening, warm and fuzzy aha moment while actually participating in the event, but later when I was warm and quiet thinking about the day I thought that while no one would probably ever plan these two events as an ideal day, it worked out that they went together perfectly. Even with abuse in my background (minor compared to what Precious endured but still significant in my life), the movie reminded me just how sick and twisted life on this earth can be. The reality that we have young, impressionable children who should be being nurtured and cherished going through such a hell that an adult sits paralyzed in shock just watching a movie about it is overwelming and heartbreaking at the same time.
But the reality and the hope is that the answers do lie in that precious and amazing baby that was born in Bethlehem all those years ago. The fact that Jesus would be born as one of us as always been an amazing thing to me. I know he went through agony and died an awful death on the cross for our sins (and I do not want to downplay that or make it seem unimportant - it is amazing beyond words that He did that for us), but when I think of Jesus living in heaven with God knowing everything - the past, the present and the future and yet still being willing to come here as a little baby and live here for all those years as a human before facing that awful death on the cross, I am so thankful.
It wasn't a quick or easy answer to conquering sin. If it had been me, and I had been willing to face the cross (big if but work with me here) I still would have asked for an easier plan. Think about what Jesus was leaving and what he was giving up. If one of us today is asked to die for someone and we step up to the challenge and do it, it is a sacrifice and heroic. But we have never lived in the awesome, complete splendor of heaven. While we want the years we have left, they are not perfect without blemish. Jesus gave up perfection to live in squalor. I would have timed it down to the second. Okay God I will do this, but I should be able to live up here until 5 minutes before time to go to the cross, can we hurry that up a little and I can be back here in heaven in less than 24 hours.
But that did not fulfill the plan. The plan took each and every day, month and year that Jesus was on this earth. There were multiple parts of the plan where each part had to come together perfectly for the redemption plan to work. Yes, the cross was the ultimate sacrifice and the most horrenduous part of the plan. The pain, agony and rejection that Jesus went through was more than words, pictures or even movies could ever portray. But each day that Jesus walked on this earth instead of the streets of heaven were also a sacrifice and just as important to the overall plan.
So how does the movie "Precious" and "Bethlehem Re-Visited" come together? They remind us how awful the world we are living in can be when people are living under the bondage of sin and the results of that sin. But as surely as God laid out a plan for our salvation He also laid out a plan to help each and every hurting person in this world. When the circumstances are so awful that I close my eyes and sometimes even my heart so that I am not hurt or overwelmed by what I am seeing, hearing or feeling God never even blinks.
We want to believe that there are people in power who could just sweep in and fix all of the problems we have in this world. And trust me I love it when someone with huge amounts of money comes in and provides resources that help people who are hurting and in need. But the reality is that there is never going to be a fairy tale ending to the suffering of those we love and those who we share this earth with. Even Jesus's return is not a fairy tale ending - God has been planning that for years and people have been working and doing their parts so that the pieces of God's plan can come together.
I want to be like Precious. When I am looking in the face of my problems, and I have to make a decision I want to say to those problems "I never realized what you were before, but I do now." I want to look at anyone or anything that is offering me an easy way out or a shortcut and say "You can't handle my problems." And I want to pick up those things that God has entrusted me with and walk with my head held high knowing that each and every day I can seek God's power and his grace to find the strength to be responsible for and do the things that He has given me to do.
And if that last paragraph doesn't make sense - watch the movie and then think about the true meaning of this season - the birth of Jesus. After doing those two things - I think you will get it!
The way the mother in the movie could start a sentence with Precious and then go into some of the most vile verbal and physical attacks stunned me. I wanted to ask her if she had any idea what Precious meant. If you name your child Precious didn't you think she was precious? Not that it would have been any more okay if she had been calling her daughter by any other name, because your child's name should be precious to you regardless of what it is. But the contrast between what that word means and how that mother acted was one of the most horrific things I have seen.
For those that haven't seen the movie I will try not to ruin it for you too much (lol), but I had heard that there were some complaints about the ending. Another friend shared that based on her experience in dealing with inner city teenagers that the ending was realistic. I read this before watching the movie so I waited through the whole thing to see this ending I had heard so much about. It wasn't a fairy tale, everything is going to be okay ending, but it was very empowering from my perspective.
Later the same day that I saw this movie I went with a friend to "Bethlehem Revisited", a live, re-enactment of Bethlehem on the night Jesus was born. It was cold and crowded so I didn't have a super enlightening, warm and fuzzy aha moment while actually participating in the event, but later when I was warm and quiet thinking about the day I thought that while no one would probably ever plan these two events as an ideal day, it worked out that they went together perfectly. Even with abuse in my background (minor compared to what Precious endured but still significant in my life), the movie reminded me just how sick and twisted life on this earth can be. The reality that we have young, impressionable children who should be being nurtured and cherished going through such a hell that an adult sits paralyzed in shock just watching a movie about it is overwelming and heartbreaking at the same time.
But the reality and the hope is that the answers do lie in that precious and amazing baby that was born in Bethlehem all those years ago. The fact that Jesus would be born as one of us as always been an amazing thing to me. I know he went through agony and died an awful death on the cross for our sins (and I do not want to downplay that or make it seem unimportant - it is amazing beyond words that He did that for us), but when I think of Jesus living in heaven with God knowing everything - the past, the present and the future and yet still being willing to come here as a little baby and live here for all those years as a human before facing that awful death on the cross, I am so thankful.
It wasn't a quick or easy answer to conquering sin. If it had been me, and I had been willing to face the cross (big if but work with me here) I still would have asked for an easier plan. Think about what Jesus was leaving and what he was giving up. If one of us today is asked to die for someone and we step up to the challenge and do it, it is a sacrifice and heroic. But we have never lived in the awesome, complete splendor of heaven. While we want the years we have left, they are not perfect without blemish. Jesus gave up perfection to live in squalor. I would have timed it down to the second. Okay God I will do this, but I should be able to live up here until 5 minutes before time to go to the cross, can we hurry that up a little and I can be back here in heaven in less than 24 hours.
But that did not fulfill the plan. The plan took each and every day, month and year that Jesus was on this earth. There were multiple parts of the plan where each part had to come together perfectly for the redemption plan to work. Yes, the cross was the ultimate sacrifice and the most horrenduous part of the plan. The pain, agony and rejection that Jesus went through was more than words, pictures or even movies could ever portray. But each day that Jesus walked on this earth instead of the streets of heaven were also a sacrifice and just as important to the overall plan.
So how does the movie "Precious" and "Bethlehem Re-Visited" come together? They remind us how awful the world we are living in can be when people are living under the bondage of sin and the results of that sin. But as surely as God laid out a plan for our salvation He also laid out a plan to help each and every hurting person in this world. When the circumstances are so awful that I close my eyes and sometimes even my heart so that I am not hurt or overwelmed by what I am seeing, hearing or feeling God never even blinks.
We want to believe that there are people in power who could just sweep in and fix all of the problems we have in this world. And trust me I love it when someone with huge amounts of money comes in and provides resources that help people who are hurting and in need. But the reality is that there is never going to be a fairy tale ending to the suffering of those we love and those who we share this earth with. Even Jesus's return is not a fairy tale ending - God has been planning that for years and people have been working and doing their parts so that the pieces of God's plan can come together.
I want to be like Precious. When I am looking in the face of my problems, and I have to make a decision I want to say to those problems "I never realized what you were before, but I do now." I want to look at anyone or anything that is offering me an easy way out or a shortcut and say "You can't handle my problems." And I want to pick up those things that God has entrusted me with and walk with my head held high knowing that each and every day I can seek God's power and his grace to find the strength to be responsible for and do the things that He has given me to do.
And if that last paragraph doesn't make sense - watch the movie and then think about the true meaning of this season - the birth of Jesus. After doing those two things - I think you will get it!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
It's About Them
Part of my job includes talking to soldiers on the phone. To be completely honest it is not my favorite part of my job. First of all I have no control over when they call (the more you read my blog the more you will realize that I have major control issues - lol) and since I have files that I have to work as the other part of my job I am always in the middle of something when the phone rings.
Today I really would have preferred to not talk on the phone because I had a headache. So when the phone rang I was not thrilled, but I answered it (because I had no choice-lol). The conversation didn't start well, progressed downhill quickly and the guy hung up on me after raking me over the coals for twenty minutes. If this had been a personal call I would have hung up on him first. To say I was annoyed when I got off the phone is an understatement. When I opened the note section I read where he had the same conversation with another coworker a year before. It was obvious that the guy had issues. The situation didn't warrant his attitude, his attitude didn't help and I did not do anything to him to justify his words or him hanging up.
Yet I couldn't help but take it personally and even doubt myself. I finally reached the conclusion that it wasn't that big of deal - didn't make for a great morning, but it wasn't something to let my day get ruined over. And I can always hope the guy waits another year before calling - lol.
Later in the day another soldier called me. He was pleasant and appreciative of what we did for him. I spent as much time on the phone with him as I did the first guy and I enjoyed every moment. We figured out a plan for him, and he was excited about doing it. He wanted me to remember him when his information came in so he pointed out that his last name was the same as an actor. Since he brought it up I shared that I had a crush on and wrote that very actor when I was 8 years old. Then I realized we had both been served in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We had a conversation that only two people who have served there can have. We ended the conversation on a positive note; in fact I finally had to tell him that I had better get back to work before I got in trouble.
When I got off the phone the guys teased me about a potential date. To be honest I took this phone conversation personally also but in a good way. I felt like I had really done something great, but the reality was the guy was just really neat with a great attitude. Regardless of who he talked to in our office the conversation would have been pleasant. But I am looking forward to his follow-up call. I hope he doesn't wait a year - lol.
It is true that there are times that my attitude and my counseling affect the way phone calls go, but in both of these cases the failure of the first call and the success of the second call were not about me. It was about them and the state of their heart and mind when they called.
Today I really would have preferred to not talk on the phone because I had a headache. So when the phone rang I was not thrilled, but I answered it (because I had no choice-lol). The conversation didn't start well, progressed downhill quickly and the guy hung up on me after raking me over the coals for twenty minutes. If this had been a personal call I would have hung up on him first. To say I was annoyed when I got off the phone is an understatement. When I opened the note section I read where he had the same conversation with another coworker a year before. It was obvious that the guy had issues. The situation didn't warrant his attitude, his attitude didn't help and I did not do anything to him to justify his words or him hanging up.
Yet I couldn't help but take it personally and even doubt myself. I finally reached the conclusion that it wasn't that big of deal - didn't make for a great morning, but it wasn't something to let my day get ruined over. And I can always hope the guy waits another year before calling - lol.
Later in the day another soldier called me. He was pleasant and appreciative of what we did for him. I spent as much time on the phone with him as I did the first guy and I enjoyed every moment. We figured out a plan for him, and he was excited about doing it. He wanted me to remember him when his information came in so he pointed out that his last name was the same as an actor. Since he brought it up I shared that I had a crush on and wrote that very actor when I was 8 years old. Then I realized we had both been served in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We had a conversation that only two people who have served there can have. We ended the conversation on a positive note; in fact I finally had to tell him that I had better get back to work before I got in trouble.
When I got off the phone the guys teased me about a potential date. To be honest I took this phone conversation personally also but in a good way. I felt like I had really done something great, but the reality was the guy was just really neat with a great attitude. Regardless of who he talked to in our office the conversation would have been pleasant. But I am looking forward to his follow-up call. I hope he doesn't wait a year - lol.
It is true that there are times that my attitude and my counseling affect the way phone calls go, but in both of these cases the failure of the first call and the success of the second call were not about me. It was about them and the state of their heart and mind when they called.
How someone treats you often has more to do with them that it does you. I shared this with my friend over lunch several months ago when she was upset about how her sister treated her. She had her chance to remind me of it later when one of my friends hurt me.
There is a saying that hurt people hurt people. When abuse is found in a home it is often found that the abuser was once the abused. This reminds me of being in FFA (Future Farmers of America) when I was in school. The older members got to haze the younger members coming in. Thankfully since I was a girl my hazing wasn't a big deal, but the boys had it rough. Shortly after having been paddled by one of the bigger boys a guy said he couldn't wait until the next year so he could treat the new people that way. I was amazed because I had no interest in participating in hurting other people. I didn't like what was being done to us why would I want to turn around and do it to someone else. Yet many people follow that path.
When someone hurts us or does something thoughtless it is hard not to take it personally (in fact I don't know if I will ever learn how to do that), but we can't let how others treat us affect how we view ourselves. If they don't value us, it doesn't mean we aren't valuable. It means that they don't have the skills or character to treat us correctly. Don't let others determine how you view yourself nor how you take care of yourself.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My first blog - Trusting God Has a Plan For My Relationships
Shane started a blog, and I have been meaning to do this - so here I am. Part of me likes the idea of just telling what is on my mind without a lot of editing - the other part of me thinks no one needs to read my every thought. So I can threaten it, but I would never do it. Some things really do need to be just between me and God - but some of the rest - you can read on these pages.
My favorite time of the year is coming up - New Year's!!! I love a new year - a fresh start. I don't really do "resolutions" anymore, but I do take the time to look at my life and see what I need to do to get back on course or even on a better course.
When I was in Guantanamo Bay Cuba (on deployment) I lived with a girl who put change in greens (or was it peas) and made us eat it. She believed whatever you did on New Year's Day you would be doing all year. So she hid money for us to find believing it would help us find money all year. She tells me this after laughing at me for doing laundry. I didn't know what was wrong with doing laundry - I wanted clean clothes all year and since the Army wasn't giving me a maid I figured I would be washing clothes all year - lol. But I will admit that I was excited about her theory on some level because I wrote the words to a song before I even got out of bed that day. The first and so far the last complete song I have ever written (I so need to find that and see if someone can put music to it for me).
Since then I have tried to do things on New Year's that I wanted to do all year - spend time with family, spend time with friends, do something creative, write, sing, etc. It's not that I'm superstitious, but I do think it is a fun and productive way to spend the holiday. We accomplish what we focus on.
I currently do not have concrete plans for New Year's - but I need to figure out something different. I know what I want to do for the next year - it will be the biggest challenge I have ever faced. I want to live this year with my heart and mind wide open without being afraid.
I have always been overly cautious and careful, and since I have started dealing with health issues it has gotten even worse! It's funny too, because there are a lot of people who won't believe I do that. Sometimes I do a good job of playing carefree, and I tease and joke so much just so people won't have a clue how seriously I am taking things.
I can't believe that I am ready to let go of that. I have gotten out of my comfort zone more this past year in the area of relationships than I have in a long time (possibly ever). It didn't work out well at all. At different points during the year I thought it was going well - I certainly had new experiences. I had some neat friendships that I haven't had anything like since I was a kid in school. While it lasted - it was fun. But at the end of the year two friends will have moved physically and the other friend may still technically be here but she's as far away as if she moved to Alaska.
So if the year has ended on such of a rotten note, why would I be ready to let go even more and take even more risks? Because I learned the most incredible lesson this year - I will never be able to trust people and that's okay, but I can trust God to work in my relationships to bring the plan He has not only for me but also those I love.
As long as we have breath we are going to hurt each other and let each other down. And as much as it breaks my heart to say this I believe Christian people experience this even more than the general population. Is it because we expect more from each other or just because satan has so much to gain by us destroying each other? I don't know that answer, but the fact is that some of the most unhealthy and hurtful relationships happen in the church or in a relationship that started there.
I have struggled to go to church this year. A situation happened that really challenged me (not my faith but trusting relationships), and at one point it was too difficult to even go to church. Should it have been that big of deal - probably not. But the fact is that it was. When I finally quit fighting it and realized that a break from church would help my faith and not harm it, God resolved the situation in the most amazing way (still not the way I would have chosen but still in a way that only He could do).
I am bad (or good depending on how you look at it) at over analyzing everything that happens to figure out the real purpose or deeper meaning. I had one relationship in particular that had just caused me so much frustration. When we were hanging out and having fun, it was like the kind of best friend you had in grade school; but when we were disagreeing or not connecting it was awful. And because of my trust issues and want things "safe" I reached a point that I wondered why God even put us in each other's lives. It was obvious it was a mistake.
Well God had the last laugh! We shared one of the most incredible God moments that I have ever had (and let me just go on record as saying I have had some awesome ones!). I would try to explain what happened, but I couldn't put it in words if I had too and it is too personal. But let's just say my friend needed someone to speak God's truth into her life in the midst of an awful situation (much of it her own making). The fact that our relationship had been both so close but so troubling made me the perfect person to remind her of God's love, God's power and God's forgiveness. And in case you think I am bragging - I am so not. I couldn't have done any of it without God speaking through me and while I pray my friend was blessed I can tell you that it was the most incredible experience for me. I wish I could explain it, but you'll just have to take my word for it on how awesome it was - I think I could have seen the blind man see, the lame man walk and the dead man come to life and not been any more in awe. It was just that cool.
Once we had this experience every second we had spent together made sense. And I have to tell you that there is no aggravation, no hurt feeling or frustration that was so bad that it outweighed the awesome moment. It was so worth it. The only thing that could have made it better was if I could look back and not realize that I had wasted so much time worrying about what I didn't know or what didn't feel good.
And I need to clarify something else - this year was really rough on me in regards to a few close friendships, but generally speaking it is the most incredible year I have ever had as far as relationships go. Facebook has allowed me to get back in touch with and get to know some incredible people. One friend from AIT (Advanced Individual Training) from almost 20 years ago found me just to tell me how much I meant to her and encouraged her through that time. Another really close friend that I lost contact with about eight years ago found me and we are back on track on being involved in each other's lives. I got to find a girl from church camp (like almost 25 years ago) who meant the world to me and brightened a really tough time for me both at church camp and after with sweet letters. I went to my 20 year reunion (that was so much more than I can explain in this already long blog). I am back in touch with family that I have never been good at keeping in touch with (the whole write a letter, put a stamp on it and mail it has never been something I was good at). And a friend and I who quit talking/emailing because we thought the other was uninterested learned how silly that was. I am so thankful for each and ever person who is active in my life right now - it has been such a blessing to watch all the different parts of my life come back together.
It has been an incredible year. There has been the good, the bad and the ugly but when it is all said and done I can see that God has a plan that connects us in ways we can never fully understand.
I have to have boundaries and not let people take advantage of me. I need priorities so I make sure that I make the first things first. There are lessons to learn (and for whatever reason it seems it takes painful situations to learn those lessons). And most of all I have to make sure that my relationship with God gets first priority (take care of the vertical relationship first and the horizontal ones will improve as a result).
But after all that is done I just want to know that I am loving who will be loved, encouraging who will be encouraged, investing in the relationships that want an investment, having fun with all who know how, learning lessons with all who are teachable and not ever holding back because I can't control a situation or I am afraid I will be hurt.
My favorite time of the year is coming up - New Year's!!! I love a new year - a fresh start. I don't really do "resolutions" anymore, but I do take the time to look at my life and see what I need to do to get back on course or even on a better course.
When I was in Guantanamo Bay Cuba (on deployment) I lived with a girl who put change in greens (or was it peas) and made us eat it. She believed whatever you did on New Year's Day you would be doing all year. So she hid money for us to find believing it would help us find money all year. She tells me this after laughing at me for doing laundry. I didn't know what was wrong with doing laundry - I wanted clean clothes all year and since the Army wasn't giving me a maid I figured I would be washing clothes all year - lol. But I will admit that I was excited about her theory on some level because I wrote the words to a song before I even got out of bed that day. The first and so far the last complete song I have ever written (I so need to find that and see if someone can put music to it for me).
Since then I have tried to do things on New Year's that I wanted to do all year - spend time with family, spend time with friends, do something creative, write, sing, etc. It's not that I'm superstitious, but I do think it is a fun and productive way to spend the holiday. We accomplish what we focus on.
I currently do not have concrete plans for New Year's - but I need to figure out something different. I know what I want to do for the next year - it will be the biggest challenge I have ever faced. I want to live this year with my heart and mind wide open without being afraid.
I have always been overly cautious and careful, and since I have started dealing with health issues it has gotten even worse! It's funny too, because there are a lot of people who won't believe I do that. Sometimes I do a good job of playing carefree, and I tease and joke so much just so people won't have a clue how seriously I am taking things.
I can't believe that I am ready to let go of that. I have gotten out of my comfort zone more this past year in the area of relationships than I have in a long time (possibly ever). It didn't work out well at all. At different points during the year I thought it was going well - I certainly had new experiences. I had some neat friendships that I haven't had anything like since I was a kid in school. While it lasted - it was fun. But at the end of the year two friends will have moved physically and the other friend may still technically be here but she's as far away as if she moved to Alaska.
So if the year has ended on such of a rotten note, why would I be ready to let go even more and take even more risks? Because I learned the most incredible lesson this year - I will never be able to trust people and that's okay, but I can trust God to work in my relationships to bring the plan He has not only for me but also those I love.
As long as we have breath we are going to hurt each other and let each other down. And as much as it breaks my heart to say this I believe Christian people experience this even more than the general population. Is it because we expect more from each other or just because satan has so much to gain by us destroying each other? I don't know that answer, but the fact is that some of the most unhealthy and hurtful relationships happen in the church or in a relationship that started there.
I have struggled to go to church this year. A situation happened that really challenged me (not my faith but trusting relationships), and at one point it was too difficult to even go to church. Should it have been that big of deal - probably not. But the fact is that it was. When I finally quit fighting it and realized that a break from church would help my faith and not harm it, God resolved the situation in the most amazing way (still not the way I would have chosen but still in a way that only He could do).
I am bad (or good depending on how you look at it) at over analyzing everything that happens to figure out the real purpose or deeper meaning. I had one relationship in particular that had just caused me so much frustration. When we were hanging out and having fun, it was like the kind of best friend you had in grade school; but when we were disagreeing or not connecting it was awful. And because of my trust issues and want things "safe" I reached a point that I wondered why God even put us in each other's lives. It was obvious it was a mistake.
Well God had the last laugh! We shared one of the most incredible God moments that I have ever had (and let me just go on record as saying I have had some awesome ones!). I would try to explain what happened, but I couldn't put it in words if I had too and it is too personal. But let's just say my friend needed someone to speak God's truth into her life in the midst of an awful situation (much of it her own making). The fact that our relationship had been both so close but so troubling made me the perfect person to remind her of God's love, God's power and God's forgiveness. And in case you think I am bragging - I am so not. I couldn't have done any of it without God speaking through me and while I pray my friend was blessed I can tell you that it was the most incredible experience for me. I wish I could explain it, but you'll just have to take my word for it on how awesome it was - I think I could have seen the blind man see, the lame man walk and the dead man come to life and not been any more in awe. It was just that cool.
Once we had this experience every second we had spent together made sense. And I have to tell you that there is no aggravation, no hurt feeling or frustration that was so bad that it outweighed the awesome moment. It was so worth it. The only thing that could have made it better was if I could look back and not realize that I had wasted so much time worrying about what I didn't know or what didn't feel good.
And I need to clarify something else - this year was really rough on me in regards to a few close friendships, but generally speaking it is the most incredible year I have ever had as far as relationships go. Facebook has allowed me to get back in touch with and get to know some incredible people. One friend from AIT (Advanced Individual Training) from almost 20 years ago found me just to tell me how much I meant to her and encouraged her through that time. Another really close friend that I lost contact with about eight years ago found me and we are back on track on being involved in each other's lives. I got to find a girl from church camp (like almost 25 years ago) who meant the world to me and brightened a really tough time for me both at church camp and after with sweet letters. I went to my 20 year reunion (that was so much more than I can explain in this already long blog). I am back in touch with family that I have never been good at keeping in touch with (the whole write a letter, put a stamp on it and mail it has never been something I was good at). And a friend and I who quit talking/emailing because we thought the other was uninterested learned how silly that was. I am so thankful for each and ever person who is active in my life right now - it has been such a blessing to watch all the different parts of my life come back together.
It has been an incredible year. There has been the good, the bad and the ugly but when it is all said and done I can see that God has a plan that connects us in ways we can never fully understand.
I have to have boundaries and not let people take advantage of me. I need priorities so I make sure that I make the first things first. There are lessons to learn (and for whatever reason it seems it takes painful situations to learn those lessons). And most of all I have to make sure that my relationship with God gets first priority (take care of the vertical relationship first and the horizontal ones will improve as a result).
But after all that is done I just want to know that I am loving who will be loved, encouraging who will be encouraged, investing in the relationships that want an investment, having fun with all who know how, learning lessons with all who are teachable and not ever holding back because I can't control a situation or I am afraid I will be hurt.
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